When you are LDS, it is very common to get married then start having children a year or two into marriage. It automatically becomes the first question you are asked after you tie the knot. "So when are you having kids?" Well Zach and I never felt the need to rush into starting our family. But at the beginning of 2012 we decided it was about time we start planning our family and future. We felt so excited (and nervous) about jumping into this next huge step, but knew it was our time. We decided to try and plan to have a baby in the summer to make the transition of becoming a working mom more doable. I would have my entire summer to adjust to motherhood, then maybe feel a little more prepared to get back to teaching the next school year.
My time in Canada was filled with time spent online reading about conceiving, pregnancy, what to eat, what not to eat, labor, creative ways to share the news, names, nursing, and oohing and aahhing over adorable baby clothes/accessories :) Every conversation was about baby. I would sit on the computer for hours some days and cry over youtube videos of couples telling their family they were pregnant and just imagining what my experience would get to be like. My mind was totally consumed. I'll skip the details in-between, but in August (the end of our time in Canada) we were at last blessed to become pregnant.
Zach and I were a little uneasy taking the test this time around because we had experienced was it was like to see a negative on that stick. But on August 23rd we tested positive! I had felt so normal the past month that I had convinced myself there was no way it worked this time (probably just guarding my heart a bit in case it was negative again). But as the day came and passed with no sign of a period...we knew we had a chance! We decided to wait one more day to be extra sure though. I didn't start again the next day as well and I remember texting Zach from work 'no blood again today...yikes!'. We went to the Burningham's house after work to plan building their basement and decided we would test when we got home. It felt like forever until we were done and could get home to see. I had Zach set up his phone to film us looking at the results. Both of us felt way more relaxed/normal/not nervous this time. Both still in some sort of denial that it could have actually worked. We talked on our bed while we waited for the 3 minutes to be up and got ready to flip it over. When we turned it over it was clear as day with 2 blue lines making a plus sign. Shock/excitement/surreal/terrified/happy/speechless were some of my initial feelings. Zach just sat there and giggled. It took several moments of letting that sink in to even know how to react. I could not believe I was pregnant for how normal I had been feeling! When Zach and I hugged and held each other, it all hit me like a wave of reality and I began to cry thinking about how our life was really going to change in the direction we had hoped. I felt so nervous all of a sudden. Totally worried and scared for all the little details that now lie ahead in bringing a baby into our family. But of course so happy and felt so excited the Lord blessed us with success in conceiving. I didn't waste any time and the next morning had promptly made my first two doctor appointments with Dr. Blackett.
Next was the fun of getting to tell our families. Since the day we married, Emily has begged for us to have a baby. I am the only married child in my family and their only hope right now in getting to become aunts/uncles/grandparents. I knew they were going to just be over the moon excited. We decided to surprise them on my dad's birthday; just 6 weeks along. We wanted them to be surprised way bad and have no idea it was coming. So when we initially found out, I texted my mom telling her that my period started and it didn't work again. Well my mom totally believed me. As it got close to my dad's b-day, I talked to my mom about what I should get him and told her I was gonna print out his favorite General Conference quote and frame it for him. She totally thought that's what I was going to do!...But instead we made a onesie that said "Arriving May 2013" and a little tag on the bum that said "Made in Canada". It was so cute and we wrapped it with a random frame from our house; just in case Mom lifted up the present she would still believe that's what was inside. Zach and I talked the whole way there trying to plan out how to make filming him opening the gift normal, and not give anything away. We decided to pretend that we had a disagreement whether my dad's camera could film or not. So when we got there we started our disagreement and I got the camera out to 'prove' to Zach that it could film. Then as he was checking it out, I got the present and gave it to my dad. Zach started filming him and my fam didn't think anything of it! We got the reaction all on film and Braden even walked upstairs just in time to share the news too. Mom was shocked with her mouth open wide. Dad was hilarious saying "you suck! you liar!". Ems was bawling. Braden was surprised but calm, cool, and collected. It was seriously one of the best days of my life. I felt so much genuine love and excitement from them and we were all on cloud nine! It was all they would talk about since. A week later we gave the same onsie to Zach's parents on one of our Sunday visits. They were so happy for us as well. We would make them grandparents to #10.
I was feeling great with the only symptom being extra tired. Life seemed to be perfect and we felt so blessed. Wenesday, September 26, we got home from dinner with friends at Firehouse and as I got ready for bed, noticed some spotting. It was an uneasy feeling seeing something I knew shouldn't be there, and we decided to call the doctor first thing the next day. The doctor seemed unalarmed and just wanted me to take it easy and watch it closely for any signs of turning red or getting worse or cramping. There were many possible reasons and not all of them were bad. That gave me some peace and I wasn't having cramping yet so that was a good sign. Then Thursday night I started to feel some cramping. It wasn't super bad like I was told to look for but I could tell it was real. Friday morning when I woke up to go to the bathroom and get ready for school, my situation had clearly changed in the direction they told me to look out for. It completely freaked me out and I lost it because I knew it couldn't mean anything good. We called the hospital to get ahold of the on-call doctor for my office. They paged her but I never heard from her before I had to start Parent Teacher Conferences at work. So I was stuck to waiting until 9am for my office to open before I could try again. I would call and try to get through if a conference would finish early, but I kept getting put on hold too long during my short breaks. It was so frustrating. I finally was like "hey I need to talk to someone now!" and I finally got to talk to a nurse. She said I would need to come in to test my HCG levels that day and then again on Sunday. If the levels went up it meant the baby was alive. If the levels went down it meant I wasn't pregnant anymore. She wanted to talk to my doctor first though then she would call me back. More waiting. More Parent Teacher Conferences. Each time I went to use the bathroom as I waited to hear back, my situation wasn't looking any better.
On my lunch break, my doctor called me and she was super nice. First thing she said was asking how I was doing. I appreciated her emotional sensitivity so much because I was going numb just thinking of the reality of what might be happening inside me. I was pretty worried and emotional at this point and she was very understanding. She said straight up that she thought I was having a miscarriage and that we should test my HCG levels. I asked if we could just do an ultrasound because I really didn't want to wait until Sunday to know for sure what my levels did. When she found out I was 9 weeks along, she made sure that I could come in just an hour later and she would do the ultrasound for us. If she found the heartbeat then we would just wait it out and see what happens. If there was no heartbeat then we would know for sure. I let the other kindergarten teacher know what was going on so I could leave my conferences and she made the calls for me to cancel some of them while I left. The Dr. was really warm and made me feel comfortable. She did an ultrasound and as soon as she looked at the screen she said, "Well this isn't what we want to see. You did miscarry". I appreciated her honesty and not beating around any bush to tell us what was going on. She let us look at the computer and see that what should have been our 9-week-old baby was found to have stopped developing at 6 weeks and had no heartbeat.
I immediately started crying but I still felt in control of my emotions and mind to mentally be there and get all the information and details I needed. Zach was by my side holding me the whole time and silent. She said at 6 weeks a lot of things are developing; especially the heart. Something must not have developed right at that point, and my body was just now recognizing this on its own and starting the process of releasing it from my body. Sometimes bodies don't realize the baby didn't form right and the couple doesn't find out until their first appointment to hear the heartbeat and it's not there--We were so glad that is not how we found out. I can't imagine going in for our appointment, that was scheduled for the very next week, being so excited to finally see our growing baby, and then to find out that it wasn't growing. She assured me that there was nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this and that it is really common for women to miscarry before having their first child. She told us that my body had started the process to get everything out on its own so they wouldn't need to put me under and do it themselves--another good thing. She told me what to expect from my body physically the next few days and weeks and also warned me about the pain. We were told of our new timeline of being able to try conceiving again and it all seemed so far away now. It takes time and patience for the body to heal, and several months down the road for that to happen seemed devastating in that moment.
She gave me a hug before she left and Zach and I just hugged in silence and soaked it in for a minute before I got all ready to go again. We were in utter shock I think. Numb. I knew I couldn't dwell on it because I had to go right back to work to finish my conferences so I did my best to push the reality to the side for as long as I could to keep myself together. Zach dropped me off back at school and my next appointment was waiting for me outside my classroom door. I guess the other kindergarten teacher had told them I had an emergency so I might be late, so the mom asked me about it. Unfortunately I couldn't hold back the tears and I started to cry in front of them and just whispered to the mom what happened. She felt way bad and let's just say it was a pretty awkward conference as my hands and voice were shaking the entire time. After that one though, I was able to switch most of my mind into school mode and I was able to bare through the next few hours. My body had changed so quickly since my appointment into full-on miscarriage, and it was a struggle to make it through to each of my little windows of breaks between meetings. But the whole time I just kept feeling so grateful that I had my appointment before my body made that switch, because I would have totally thought I was dying and would have been an emotional mess without the answers and clarity from the doctor. I'm glad we got to find out in the Dr. office and also have a heads up of what was to come. Having to keep my mind ready to talk to parents and do conferences also helped me not think about the reality of what was happening, which I needed.
Zach had flowers for me when I got home. And chinese food take out, peanut butter m&m's, and yorks. He knows me well and it was so sweet that he was trying anything he could to let me know he loves me. We just spent the night together on the couch going up and down with emotions and talking. I felt an emotional intimacy with Zach like I never have before going through this with him. It's not something you can describe with words. He was strong for me when I was weak, and I was strong for him when he was weak. At first the reality would come in waves when we'd think about how far it seemed to have a baby now, or how different our year would be than we had been planning, or thinking about our families not getting to be grandparents yet, but we always knew and were hopeful that it was going to work when it was supposed to work. We found peace in prayer. We found comfort in family, friends, and each other. We found so much love and clarity in the gospel and through the spirit.
We thought it would be over after my body did what it needed to do the next several days. But unfortunately my body had a different plan and we ended up having to visit the doctor at least 6 times the following month and a half. I got further blood work done, several ultrasounds, etc. each time trying to figure out or fix the next new issue going on. First I got an infection which I was put on antibiotics to get rid of. Then they discovered that my body didn't naturally release everything it should have on it's own, so I ended up needing to get a D&C after all. It was my first surgery experience getting put under and I was very nervous. But it all went well and months later I am now on track to having my normal body back on schedule. It is such a blessing.
As you can see in my blog, my life is surrounded by beautiful babies. There are 11 teachers in my school this year having babies. I have cousins my age due when I would have been. Both friends I was with in Canada are due a month apart from when I would have been. I have newly born nieces and cousins. I have many friends who have recently added babies to their family or have recently found out they are pregnant. It is everywhere. And I just feel so grateful that I have been able to genuinely feel happy and excited for each of these families. I know the Lord is blessing me with eyes to see these things with an eternal perspective. I have days where I don't understand why it couldn't have just worked out for us this time. Where I feel sorry for us. Where I feel really sad. Where it seems just down right unfair. But honestly the majority of my feelings are happiness. Happiness for the ones I love who are receiving such an incredible blessing. Happiness for Zach and I's future and getting to experience parenthood one day. Happiness for the gospel we get to have in our life to bring such peace and clarity. Our time will come. And it will come when it is supposed to as seen by the Lord. Until then, we just try to keep our heads high and hearts hopeful.
I'm sorry, Karli. :( I have no doubt that it'll happen, too, when the time is right. Good job on having such a good attitude and for being brave enough to share your feelings. Love you!
ReplyDeleteLove you Kar.
ReplyDeleteOh Karli. I had no idea about this. It is so amazing that after this heartbreak The Lord blessed you with twins. You will be such a good mother. What a miracle your babies are too!!
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